Lookin' round the room, I can tell that you are the most beautiful girl in the...room.

So I've been told that over the next year or two I basically have three jobs: eat, sleep and look cute. Super cute. (Or as I prefer supa-fly). The first two come naturally, and quite frankly the last one does too, but that won't stop me from bringing my A game. I gots to be cute! There's a world full of lovely ladies out there that need to know Mr. Liam T. Weed has arrived. While of course I'm strikingly handsome, that hasn't kept me from working on a few moves that are sure to charm the lady folk. Check it: (1) Flash the gums: nothing gets the females excited quite like a big toothless grin. (2) The Stretch & Yawn: puppies do it; kittens do it; even rats do it. No matter what mammal you are the stretch & yawn is guaranteed to get an "Aaawwwww how cute" from the ladies. (3) The Stare & Drool: there's really only about a three year window where you can use this move before it turns from cute to creepy. But if this advanced technique is done correctly, 60% of the time, it works every time. So watch out ladies! Liam is on the prowl and looking for love (and/or a diaper change). Check out my recent trip to a Durham Bulls game below.

This is me at my first of many baseball games.



Here's a pic I took of my crew. They're either tuff or scared of me. Either way I'm cool with it.

Chillin' with the ladies (of course mom has to be there crampin' my style).

Thank you to the spectator who offered to take this picture. And thanks to the fans behind us who look thrilled to be in this shot.

Unfortunately I didn't get Nuke LaLoosh's or Crash Davis' autographs but it was still a good time. Go Bulls!

Ssshhhhhhh, don't tell mommy.

So I've been playing a lot of futebol lately, y'know practising my mad skillz getting excited for the World Cup. But somehow I lost my ball. Turns out it's trapped in mommy's bladder. (Don't tell her though, she thinks it's a kidney stone.) If you narc on me I am soooooo coming after you so check yourself fools.

By the way, here are some photos of my dad's 2nd place winning pinewood derby car. After hours of hard labor and painstaking attention to detail making that car, he lost to a block of wood with wheels on it. Nice work pops.

I got a fever, and the only perscription...is more World Cup!!!

So I'm not even born yet and I know this video is awesome! I'd like to thank my parents for planning this pregnancy so I could arrive just in time for the World Cup, the greatest sporting event in the universe!!! Bravo parents! I'm looking forward to spending my first days eating, sleeping, and watching futebol with my dad. Maybe my mom will watch with us too. Ha! Fat chance of that happening. I think my mom is sick of me practising my bicycle kicks in her tummy. Who are you rooting for? I'm rooting for USA of course, but I'd love to see some other teams do well (Denmark, Ghana, Brasil, Spain). Anyone but Italy. Ugh. They fall over, whine, and cry more than I do. If anyone wants to join me on July 11th for the final match you'll know how to find me. I'll be the kid crapping my pants with excitement on my dad's lap!

Probation here I come!

So the Judge informed me that once I finish serving my time I will finally be released into society...BUT I will have to serve probation for 18-19 years, maybe longer. My probation officers (a.k.a. my parents) are responsible for me so I'll have to report to them. Ugh. I guess it's better than staying in here the rest of my life. That would get awkward. Anyway, I haven't officially met these two yet but I have been able to eavesdrop on them a little bit. Here's what I know about them so far:

Janet (a.k.a. The Mouth)
The female is a speed-talker. Seriously, take a break woman I'm trying to nap. And I always hear these weird rapid clicking sounds. I don't know for sure but it seems like she's communicating with some sort of morse code texting device. I'll investigate that one further. She also has waayyyyyyyyyy too many friends (whether real or imaginary). I'm not sure how she keeps track of them all. She seems to be very concerned with stretch marks and the size of her boobs. I'm not sure exactly what she does for a living (besides probationing) but she seems to spend a lot of time returning purchased items to the store. Maybe she's a professional returner. I haven't decided yet if she's the brains of the operation but she certainly seems to be the muscle (at least when it comes to haggling for better prices).

Dan (a.k.a. Sporty Spice)
The guy isn't nearly as vocal as the girl and what he does say is usually half-hearted generic responses to her questions. He's not here as much so I haven't got a full read on him yet. Whenever he is around someone called ESPN usually follows him. No one seems to be able to explain exactly what he does for a living. Some scientific B.S. about enzymes whatever that is. Sounds like snake oil to me. He seems a little intimidating on the outside but I'm pretty sure he's a softee at heart. I should be able to break him pretty quick.

If any of you rats out there have any dirt on my probation officers I can assure you I'll pay handsomely for it. Just leave a comment below.

My Press Conference

On the insistence of my parents I am reading this prepared statement:

"Let me begin by thanking you all for coming to read my blog. I hope that you have found as much enjoyment in reading it as I have found in writing it. This blog is a wonderful outlet for me to share my life with all of my loved ones. Speaking of which, I would like to personally thank each and every one of you who have showered me with gifts over the last month. My parents and I are greatly indebted to your kindness and generosity and hope to repay that kindness in the future. I look forward with great anticipation to meeting all of you very soon. I also look forward to using every diaper, cloth, cream, toy, bottle, pacifier, wipe, ointment, and article of clothing that you have blessed me with. At this time I would like to take the opportunity to apologize in advance for any ruined clothing or potential embarrassment caused by my projectile vomiting, frequent urination, and/or inexplicably large bowel movements which you may be forced to deal with when holding me. I can assure you that 90% of the time those actions are completely unintentional. I also feel that I should address the rumors that have been circulating around the womb; I have never nor do I ever intend to use any performance enhancing drugs. I thank you again for your love and support and I am prepared to take any questions at this time. Thank you."

I don't sleep...I wait

So listen up people, my plans to bust out of this joint have failed miserably. Looks like I'll just have to serve out my time. I guess that's not all bad. I've re-read War and Peace, the Bible (in hebrew of course), and the entire Encyclopedia Britannica for the third time. I've also been pumping some iron trying to lose this baby fat. I bench 205 ounces and can deadlift two kidneys and a liver. I can't say my mom is too happy about that. Just wait 'til I start jumping rope with her small intestine. ;) I'm also thinking about getting another prison tat but can't decide what to get. Any suggestions? I made a new poll to the right for you to help me out.


One bright spot that helps me pass the time is I've got a new wardrobe to go home to. Big ups to all my peeps for hookin' me up with the new threads! I started my future career as a male model a little early and took some glamour shots for you to check me out. Enjoy!






(Sorry if you're offended by the nude shot at the end. I thought it was tastefully done.)

They love me! They really love me!

Fellow thespians, I pray thee help. You know the old saying "You never get a second chance to make a first impression"? Well I'm about to make my starring debut as a human being and I want this to be an Oscar-winning caliber performance! I'm playing the role of Liam, the first born son of Dan & Janet. While I expect some coaching from Dan & Janet (but let's be honest, I have zero intention of listening to those two hacks [see below]) the role has been pretty much left open to my own interpretation. So I ask you, what direction should I take it? Do I go smart, responsible, straight-laced like Dan? Or animated, bubbly, go-getter like Janet? Or maybe I play completely bonkers only to reveal my true inner genius after completely exasperating my parents? So many choices! Leave a comment or answer my poll question on the right to help me out.

(Seriously, you call those sharks?! Amateurs!!)