So the Judge informed me that once I finish serving my time I will finally be released into society...BUT I will have to serve probation for 18-19 years, maybe longer. My probation officers (a.k.a. my parents) are responsible for me so I'll have to report to them. Ugh. I guess it's better than staying in here the rest of my life. That would get awkward. Anyway, I haven't officially met these two yet but I have been able to eavesdrop on them a little bit. Here's what I know about them so far:
Janet (a.k.a. The Mouth)
The female is a speed-talker. Seriously, take a break woman I'm trying to nap. And I always hear these weird rapid clicking sounds. I don't know for sure but it seems like she's communicating with some sort of morse code texting device. I'll investigate that one further. She also has waayyyyyyyyyy too many friends (whether real or imaginary). I'm not sure how she keeps track of them all. She seems to be very concerned with stretch marks and the size of her boobs. I'm not sure exactly what she does for a living (besides probationing) but she seems to spend a lot of time returning purchased items to the store. Maybe she's a professional returner. I haven't decided yet if she's the brains of the operation but she certainly seems to be the muscle (at least when it comes to haggling for better prices).
Dan (a.k.a. Sporty Spice)
The guy isn't nearly as vocal as the girl and what he does say is usually half-hearted generic responses to her questions. He's not here as much so I haven't got a full read on him yet. Whenever he is around someone called ESPN usually follows him. No one seems to be able to explain exactly what he does for a living. Some scientific B.S. about enzymes whatever that is. Sounds like snake oil to me. He seems a little intimidating on the outside but I'm pretty sure he's a softee at heart. I should be able to break him pretty quick.
If any of you rats out there have any dirt on my probation officers I can assure you I'll pay handsomely for it. Just leave a comment below.
Your mama has a smile that could melt the coldest heart and a sparkle that makes you forget the bad. You just work that smile that you are sure to inherit and you'll do just fine.
ReplyDeleteAmanda, that was the nicest thing I ever heard! And Liam, if you are lucky you can date Hazel!
ReplyDeleteRETURNS!!! That's the Janet I know and love!! And don't forget laundry and thank-you notes!
ReplyDeletethe clicks. so true. what's that about Liam. report back.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, you must have a party writing your posts. Don't worry Liam, Dad will be a piece of cake to wrap around your tiny finger!
ReplyDeleteHey Liam, we love your blog, especially this post. You are so spot on about your probation offices. You'll have no problem handling them.
ReplyDelete