"Everyone has a plan... 'til they get punched in the mouth" -Mike Tyson
So there I was, ankle deep in grenade pins, trying my best to ward off my evil nemesis Dr. Pitocin. "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!!!" I screamed at the top of my newly functioning lungs. Needless to say it was no day at that beach. How did I get into this mess you ask? Well here’s the story:
I was comfortably relaxing in my custom-made amniotic hot tub when all of the sudden all the water went crashing down the drain. I realized something fishy was going on. It was then that Dr. Pitocin attacked! Every five minutes or so he would pounce and I'd have to fight him off. While my arsenal of hand grenades, nunchucks, brass knuckles, a trident and Brazilian Jiu-jitsu were effective, the move that seemed to work the best was to use my umbilical cord as a lasso to catch and strangle this monster until he gave up and ran away. The only problem with this technique was that my heart rate kept dropping every time I did it. But hey, after three of these encounters Dr. Pitocin never came back so it was a small price to pay for victory!
As I lay there exhausted from a hard fought battle I must have fallen asleep. I had a vision that the sky above me split open and a bright beam of light burst into my little home. I saw God’s latex gloved hands reach down from the heavens and lift me out of the darkness. I didn’t know what else to do so I started screaming. I came to my senses in time to peek over a curtain at my teary eyed parents. Then I was rushed away to get poked and prodded by a bunch of random blue people with freezing cold hands. They gave me a bath, weighed me, wrapped me up and handed me to my dad. He said I was perfect (clearly a master of the obvious). I couldn’t tell what my mom was doing. She was half-smiling/half-crying and kept asking the same questions over and over. Clearly she was on some heavy medication. After that I slept.
I awoke in my mother’s arms in a pastel colored room with cheesy artwork. My mom was in pain but very happy to see me. I overheard someone say she had to have a cesarean (whatever that is) so her belly would hurt for awhile. Apparently that wasn’t the original plan so my parents were a little stressed out. It didn’t matter to me though. I was happy to be with her. She was warm and smelled good. She smelled like dinner.
We stayed in that tacky room for a few days. I slept and ate and pooped and slept and ate and pooped. Pretty much that’s all I do these days. Some days I entertain myself by trying to gnaw on these two small little hands that always keep randomly appearing and jabbing me in the face. My parents seem tired but happy.
Finally, we were able to come back to my new home. The renovators did an excellent job while I was away. I definitely approve of my new digs. My mom and I are still trying to figure out this breastfeeding thing but it’s getting better (you would think shoving a boob in my mouth wouldn’t be that difficult but it is). I’ve been able to meet a few nice people who have come over to help my parents. I pretty much screamed at them the whole time. That’s ok though, they still think I’m the cutest thing ever. It seems like I can pretty much get away with any type of behavior right now (which of course I will exploit for my own fun and enjoyment).
So to make a long story short, I’m home. Hip Hip Hooray!! Thanks to the doctors and nurses who helped make the delivery possible and a special thanks to my parents who helped make me possible (especially my awesome mom). And an extra special thanks to all those who have helped out my parents over the last few days because for awhile there I didn’t think they were going to make it. Talk about stress cases. I’m just a baby for crying out loud, I’m not THAT hard to take care of! I love you all and I’ll be sure to keep posting when I get time in between taking care of my mom and dad. Ciao!
I was comfortably relaxing in my custom-made amniotic hot tub when all of the sudden all the water went crashing down the drain. I realized something fishy was going on. It was then that Dr. Pitocin attacked! Every five minutes or so he would pounce and I'd have to fight him off. While my arsenal of hand grenades, nunchucks, brass knuckles, a trident and Brazilian Jiu-jitsu were effective, the move that seemed to work the best was to use my umbilical cord as a lasso to catch and strangle this monster until he gave up and ran away. The only problem with this technique was that my heart rate kept dropping every time I did it. But hey, after three of these encounters Dr. Pitocin never came back so it was a small price to pay for victory!
As I lay there exhausted from a hard fought battle I must have fallen asleep. I had a vision that the sky above me split open and a bright beam of light burst into my little home. I saw God’s latex gloved hands reach down from the heavens and lift me out of the darkness. I didn’t know what else to do so I started screaming. I came to my senses in time to peek over a curtain at my teary eyed parents. Then I was rushed away to get poked and prodded by a bunch of random blue people with freezing cold hands. They gave me a bath, weighed me, wrapped me up and handed me to my dad. He said I was perfect (clearly a master of the obvious). I couldn’t tell what my mom was doing. She was half-smiling/half-crying and kept asking the same questions over and over. Clearly she was on some heavy medication. After that I slept.
I awoke in my mother’s arms in a pastel colored room with cheesy artwork. My mom was in pain but very happy to see me. I overheard someone say she had to have a cesarean (whatever that is) so her belly would hurt for awhile. Apparently that wasn’t the original plan so my parents were a little stressed out. It didn’t matter to me though. I was happy to be with her. She was warm and smelled good. She smelled like dinner.
We stayed in that tacky room for a few days. I slept and ate and pooped and slept and ate and pooped. Pretty much that’s all I do these days. Some days I entertain myself by trying to gnaw on these two small little hands that always keep randomly appearing and jabbing me in the face. My parents seem tired but happy.
Finally, we were able to come back to my new home. The renovators did an excellent job while I was away. I definitely approve of my new digs. My mom and I are still trying to figure out this breastfeeding thing but it’s getting better (you would think shoving a boob in my mouth wouldn’t be that difficult but it is). I’ve been able to meet a few nice people who have come over to help my parents. I pretty much screamed at them the whole time. That’s ok though, they still think I’m the cutest thing ever. It seems like I can pretty much get away with any type of behavior right now (which of course I will exploit for my own fun and enjoyment).
So to make a long story short, I’m home. Hip Hip Hooray!! Thanks to the doctors and nurses who helped make the delivery possible and a special thanks to my parents who helped make me possible (especially my awesome mom). And an extra special thanks to all those who have helped out my parents over the last few days because for awhile there I didn’t think they were going to make it. Talk about stress cases. I’m just a baby for crying out loud, I’m not THAT hard to take care of! I love you all and I’ll be sure to keep posting when I get time in between taking care of my mom and dad. Ciao!
Wazzzzup!!!
Ssshhhhh, I'm sleeping here!
Nice work mom!!!
Getting dressed for the party.
I'm not totally sure what I'm doing here, but whatever it is it's awesome.
Father & Son
I love the tase of pacifier in the morning.
It looks like I'm smiling here but I'm actually just passing gas.
This is my picture smile.
Whaddya want?
My dad didn't shower for a couple days. He smelled terrible.
My limo awaits!
Almost there...
Hooray, I'm finally home!
My beautiful mom and I
He's beautiful! Congratulations and welcome to parenthoood--you're gonna be great!
ReplyDeleteStacey
I can't say it enough... he is one handsome boy! I love your posts!! Quite creative! Good work "Mom and Dad". Hope mom recovers quickly! Glad to hear you have help.... that is a bonus! :)
ReplyDeleteHe is so so darling!!! Congratulations both of you!
ReplyDeleteJanet you ARE beautiful! !!! How exciting to be a new mom! Liam looks like a cutie you guys looked pooped but happy. We missed you at the wedding, and thought of you guys, ralph and I got a new computer so we need to skype soon so we can meet liam!!
ReplyDeletelove it all. love you guys. wish we were there. we want to skype, too and meet mr. liam. he really needs to meet his cousins, too.
ReplyDeletecongratulations!
ReplyDeletep.s. liam, you already have a very developed sense of humor... the sign of a very smart mind.
He's even more handsome in person!
ReplyDelete